Scary Kids

Ahh, that time of the year again... Monsters roaming the streets, knocking on everyone's doors and begging to get something from you. No, I'm not talking about the US Elections.

Halloween.

Every parent's nightmare. Literally. Figuratively. Whatever-ally. I mean, where on earth would I find scary costumes that's trendy and fun - and that wouldn't break my wallet. Now, that's scary. Going to the mall and finding a costume that would only be used for a night, and finding that it cost $25 a piece - that scares the hell out of me. Not to mention I have to buy lollies (not the cheap kind thank-you-very-much), and all things nice - or risk being called the crazy cheapskate-witch of the street by little monsters.

Here I go again... tempted to take on that age-old script and tell my kids: "Back in my days... our parents just do homemade costumes"! So... will I risk my kids hating me for life for making them go out with a wizard's hat made from upside down carton cone? Thanks a lot Harry Potter, kids nowadays want the talking Sorting Hat kind. Gee. Well, I could record my voice in my iPod, tape it to the carton hat, and have it play, right? What's scarier than the nagging voice of your mum playing in your head, huh? Take that Sorting Hat! Gryffindor-my-foot.

Time to search on the web. Google "Best-kids-halloween-costume-ever." Ta-dah!

Brilliant. If not for the dozen things that could go wrong and land me in jail. Straps. Check. Straitjacket. Check. One dollar mask. Check. Child-safety...errm.

Darn these halloween revelries! Where is Christmas when you need it? Oh wait... that's another scary one... $50 gifts, unwanted presents, food. Oh dear.

"You know what, kids? What if we just go out and watch a movie tonight, huh?"

Rumplestiltskin - What the heck part 3

So, we've come to the final part of our modern review of an old fairy tale - Rumplestiltskin. For sure everyone knows the real Rumplestiltskin story, and I'm trying to vie this against the new modern take:

Even a fairy-tale imp knows how to work a camera-pose...

Read the two previous entries first if you want to make sense of what's going on here:

Part 1  - explores the beginning of the Rumplestiltskin tale; here we meet the daft miller, the even dafter king and the zero-talent maiden
Part 2  - the plot sickens, erm, thickens, and we discover why this fairy-tale is named after the only guy who makes sense in this tale...

All righty then. The second night's events gave happiness to the king when he woke on the third day, as he undoubtedly was joyful when he saw the even bigger room full of gold and not straws.

The king was greatly delighted to see all this glittering treasure; 

but still he had not enough: so he took the miller's daughter to a yet larger heap, 

and said, 'All this must be spun tonight; and if it is, you shall be my queen.'

What a romantic proposal, eh? After two nights of threatening the maiden to part with her head, he now offers to "put a ring on it". Great.  Now parents, this is where you tell your kids, specially daughters, NOT to marry any king that proposes to them. Specially if that king has a Henry-VIII syndrome.  This is obviously not going to be your usual princess-meets-prince-charming tale.

But alas, the maiden would marry this king - shows you the level of IQ this soon-to-be queen has.

When the girl was alone the manikin came again for the third time, and said, 

"What will you give me if I spin the straw for you this time also?"

"I have nothing left that I could give," answered the girl.

     "Then promise me, if you should become queen, to give me your first child."

     Who knows whether that will ever happen, thought the miller's daughter, and, not knowing how else to help herself in this strait, she promised the manikin what he wanted, and for that he once more spun the straw into gold.

And when the king came in the morning, and found all as he had wished, he took her in marriage, and the pretty miller's daughter became a queen.

Rumplestiltskin had his eyes on something more than gold: the first child. You would notice he didn't ask for all her soon-to-be children, no, just one. He didn't ask for her first daughter, no, just the first child - whatever it turns out to be. As the story progressed, a year later, the queen had her first child - and the time of reckoning came.

But suddenly he came into her room, and said, "Now give me what you promised."

     The queen was horror-struck, and offered the manikin all the riches of the kingdom if he would leave her the child. But the manikin said, "No, something alive is dearer to me than all the treasures in the world."

     Then the queen began to lament and cry, so that the manikin pitied her.

     "I will give you three days, time," said he, "if by that time you find out my name, then shall you keep your child."

See here? Rumplestiltskin for sure is the only character, amongst these bunch of clowns, with actual talent, spot-on sense, and business acumen. Hey, he even gets his values right: he says to the queen, "No, something alive is dearer to me than all the treasures in the world..." Awww. And to think the queen bribed him! Again, this queen hasn't advanced at all in the IQ department! Why would you give treasures to someone who can spring straw into gold?  (In fact, it was Rumplestiltskin's gold that probably made the kingdom rich...)

But our hero (let me now call him OUR hero - as he's the one I'm rooting for right about now...), with his compassion (see here, he's the one that holds the moral of this story), gave the queen 3 days to guess his name.  So, for two whole days the queen was in distress, asking everyone in the kingdom for a name: anything from the usual and common (Caspar, James, etc) to the downright unconventional (Shortribs, Sheepshanks, etc). And every night Rumplestiltskin comes and lets her guess. I wish this story ended then, as I'm sure Rumplestiltskin would make a great adopted father - he would teach this new daughter of his how to spin gold, give her all she wants, make her magical, laugh by the fireplace around tales of foolish people in the kingdom..... In fact, that would make a great movie!

But alas, I know how this story actually ends...

A certain messenger by chance happened to walk by the forest where Rumplestilskin lives. He overhears him sing by the fire and chants his name. Whereupon this messenger reports to the queen.  When our hero comes back to the queen...

You may imagine how glad the queen was when she heard the name. 

And when soon afterwards the little man came in, and asked, 

"Now, mistress queen, what is my name?"

 At first she said, "Is your name Conrad?"

"No."

"Is your name Harry?"

"No."

"Perhaps your name is Rumpelstiltskin?"

     "The devil has told you that! The devil has told you that," cried the little man, 

and in his anger he plunged his right foot so deep into the earth that his whole leg went in, 

and then in rage he pulled at his left leg so hard with both hands that he tore himself in two.

The irritating queen even had the guts to be a bit coy about it! Imagine, after 2 days of stress and on he third day a piece of luck, she gets her confidence back. She teases... "Is your name Conrad?" Eurgh! What a character! "Is your name Harry?"  How utterly annoying like one of those ladies in Good Christian B***.

And so this tragic fairy tale ends: the queen lives happily ever after.

Oh the tragedy of it all...

But wait... 

I can still change this story. Let me give you what I believe happened AFTER! This is the beginning of the sequel...

Now it so happens that the King, one day after playing

royal squash with his royal mates, suddenly realised something:

The kingdom's gold reserves is dwindling.

And so he approaches her queen and asks her:

"My dearest, why is it that you don't spin straw into gold anymore?"

He added, "... would you want me to lock you up

in a room full of straws again and threaten you

of beheading?"

The queen chuckled a bit. Though she wasn't quite sure if that was a joke.

The king, however, was so sure that he wasn't at all joking...

So the queen, after a two-second thought, decided to tell

the king the whole story of the little green imp that helped her.

"But I outsmarted him, you see... and we get to keep our daughter"

"Wait a minute!" cried the king.

"You mean to tell me... that I actually married a stupid miller's daughter?"

"...and wait another minute," said the king after some deep thought...

"So this guy....", said the king with his brows in deep frown,

"...you spent three nights ALONE with him in that room

(him paying you for your 'services' with gold...)

... and after a YEAR he asks for the BABY???

Do you honestly expect me to believe that all that ever happened

in that room is spinning straw into gold?

Is that what young folks call "it" now - spinning straw into gold or

is it really "rolling in the hay"?

Is that why our daughter's eyes are green and not blue like mine....?"

.... and in the background the sound of the 

guillotine's axe getting sharpened can be heard...

Beat that, brothers Grimm! Now I can sleep easy tonight knowing that justice has been done. The End.

Rumplestiltskin - What the heck part 2

This is the second part in the series covering my analysis on modern takes of fairy tales, specifically in this session, Rumplestiltskin.  I'm getting convinced that this fairy tale should have been renamed Rumplestupidskin. Sorry for the plug, but the first part of this story is a must-read if you need to understand what I'm yakking on about here.

"Wait Shrek... let me tell you the story of my life"

So, we get to the part that this beautiful maiden going to the palace and being threatened by the king to "off with her head" if she doesn't spin a room-full of straws into gold.

She sat down in one corner of the room, and began to bewail her hard fate;

What else to do but cry right? I'm amazed actually that she made it up to here. If I knew I cannot spin straw into gold, I would have run away or jumped off a cliff somewhere - that, unless I'm convinced that I could outwit the king (which, as we have seen isn't hard to do at all).

But suddenly, a droll-looking man appeared out of nowhere and 

asked her what is the matter. 

'Alas!' said she, 'I must spin this straw into gold, and I know not how.' '

What will you give me,' said the hobgoblin, 'to do it for you?' 

'My necklace,' replied the maiden. 

The brothers Grimm didn't see of course the need for an introduction between these two characters; I myself would have been scared to death if an droll-looking imp suddenly appeared while I'm crying my eyeballs out. But this is Rumplestiltskin and an introduction, or the lack of it, is actually the point, isn't it?  The maiden didn't bother to actually know the guy's name, even though he just offered to do the very thing that could save her head!  No, she's just interested of course in saving her own life.  

Oh but wait, she offers something in return for this - "My necklace," she says.  Can you believe this? (Of course not, you say, it's a fairy tale after all) But WHY, oh WHY would you give a necklace to someone who can spin straw intro freaking GOLD??? That's like giving your landlord a pot of soil in exchange for a house and lot, no wait,  the whole darn ranch!  This is obviously a tale full of "I'm-with-stupid" characters. The lying miller who sells a daughter, the gullible king ready to believe anything, and the low-IQ-zero-talent girl.

But Rumplestiltskin says yes and he dutifully spun straws.  I'm convinced at this stage he's the only consistent character here. This is probably why this tale was named after him.  He's the one to save the day! In fact, I'll vote for him for the unconventional hero, a medieval Quasimodo if you may. He accepts this necklace because he has his eyes set on something bigger. But more on that later...

So the king wakes up the next morning, checks on the girl and lo and behold, a room-full of gold. Who wouldn't be happy, right? No, not our king. He threatens her once more, takes her to an even bigger room and commands her to spin this into gold. What a tool! And what an enormous fool. I mean, if you were there, wouldn't you be at least a bit curious as to HOW this miracle happened? How can this poor miller's daughter spin straw into gold? I myself would probably have snuck up that night and fancied myself a peek. Maybe check in the middle of the night, give a little bit of micro-management here and there... Oh what the heck - what can I expect from this moron?

So, same as last night: zero-talent maiden cries, green imp appears, deal was made. Wait, this time the maiden gives a ring. Makes me really wonder now: how did the poor back then get to have all these fancy jewellery?

Oh but the best (or worse) of the plot is still to come... talk to you next time.

Rumplestiltskin - What the heck?

My kids' favourite character in the tv series "Once Upon a Time" is Rumplestiltskin - transformed by Disney writers anew as a most powerful wizard, the green-skinned imp who could outwit and out-magic even the evil queen of Snowhite fame. Well, if there's one character that can be re-imagined as fearsome, loathsome and magical, why would Disney go for this guy?

I remember the original story from childhood of course, but I could definitely say it wasn't my favourite. But it got me thinking again as part of this blog's overall goal: is the "new" Rumplestiltskin better? Or should I stick to the old model: an imp who would take a mother's child but gets outwitted in the end by the wise queen? This old tale merits another look....

And oh boy, once I did, I found that this load of c*!@ is possibly the dumbest fairy tale EVER. I'm glad the tv series re-invented the tale.

It begins thus:

Once there was a miller who was poor, but who had a beautiful daughter. 

Now it happened that he had to go and speak to the king, and in order to make himself appear important he said to him, I have a daughter who can spin straw into gold.  

The silliness started right then of course, as any adult reading that would readily be critical of this plot. The king is probably descended from dim-witted royals of that time, as only a stupid person wouldn't ask: "If your daughter can spin straw into gold as you say, then why are you so poor?" 

The king said to the miller, that is an art which pleases me well, 

if your daughter is as clever as you say, bring her to-morrow to my palace, 

and I will put her to the test.

I apply some benefit of doubt to this king's intelligence, maybe he just wants to oblige an old miller (though I cannot see any logic to this) but then his stupidity is nailed by saying: "If your daughter is as clever as you say..." Other versions of course would say this king is greedy as hell so maybe he's just been blinded by the sheer imaginations of rooms upon rooms of gold.

The king calls for the girl, shuts her in a tower room filled with straw and a spinning wheel, and demands that she spin the straw into gold by morning or he will strike off her head

Well it seems the king has thought a threat of death is called-for, he's probably congratulating himself right about then for being so smart that he'll get the better deal.  If the lady perhaps can spin straw into gold, he'll be rich... if not, then she's just another poor miller's daughter, and a candidate for beheading. I'm wondering myself why, as a kid, I didn't see this king's cruelty (worse than his stupidity), coz I distinctly remember thinking the maiden got a fair deal by marrying him in the end. Eugh.

.... to be continued.

Fairy Tales for the Modern-Day Kid

Disney has come up once again with an idea to propagate its fairy tale gospel. My kids are watching the new take on all things Grimm, never missing an episode of Once Upon a Time.  I have got to admit that it is quite compelling - I myself am glued to this modern version; where the characters that I grew up with suddenly were thrown into the modern-day setting.  I'm sure as well this is not an original idea, as people have used this plot in other movies, graphic novels and the like.

There seems to be a renewed interest in fairy tales emerging in Hollywood. We're seeing a revival of these tales being retold in a different viewpoint, or creating a deeper, more meaningful back story and plot.

A few years back, a new twist to the familiar Cinderella story was quite effective and emotive with Ever After; the heroine exemplified every feminists' dreams.  Of course, the beloved animation Beauty and the Beast renewed my faith in Disney movies: with its heroine once again able to fall in unconventional love - where beauty is really within.

So, what is it with fairy tales that every generation seem to connect to?  Do they bring about a much needed "moral" we crave for in stories and movies? Or are we twisting fairy tales to suit our own view of the world?  Just very recently, Snowhite and the Huntsman was screened - I didn't enjoy it at all, in fact the only character I was rooting for was the evil queen (played nicely by Charlize Theron).



So, here I am trying to figure out what my generation saw in fairy tales. We didn't have these modern-take-on-fairy-tales type of movies; no feminist undertones or political correctness.  No, we read the original tales, we lapped up the simplicity of their stories, and suspended our beliefs somehow - after which, the world seemed a happier, a magical place. Now, I can't help but analyse them...

For the next few weeks, I'll be comparing the old and new; dissecting which is better in telling the stories and imbuing the morals (if any) - after which I will try to make the better side win (at least in my viewpoint).  In my quest to understand and bridge this generational mind-gap I have with my kids...

Got me a Blog!

Whew! The guys who told me that creating and starting a blog is "easy-as" haven't tried doing it using Blogger/BlogSpot.  Gee, the hoops and hurdles to get this blog going can rival the olympics.

Apparently, Blogger (a Google product) has automated gremlins doing the filtering of those blogs they think would just populate this world with spam. 

A gremlin trying to judge my intent...

I love the title I came up with for this blog: couchpotatokids - it represents what I think the kids of this generation is ending up as.  But noooo.... Google thinks I'm a spammer - and that's even BEFORE I had a chance to write anything.

Great start!

Well, it took a few clicks and a lengthy explanation (the contents of which I won't divulge anymore as it could start a war), the good gremlins, er, pixies at Google let me keep my blog and my precious pride.

So, thanks Google, thanks Blogger - I got me a blog.  Thanks for being free, thanks for holding the fort to defend the world from crazy spammers (aka bloggers).

Now, if only I could forward this blog to millions of emails I got from this guy down at fiverr dot com.... Just joking Google. I know, I know, I've read your T&C's.